Possibly Standup: "We're All a Little Gay"

the bit that started it all

So now we come to what started this odyssey. Back on November 7, 2020, I wrote the first draft of this routine. I do think this is probably the closest thing I’ll come to an actual standup piece. But when I thought about delivering this to an audience, it filled me with anxiety. This is edgy, profane, and sexual…to say this out loud to total strangers…or even worse, people I knew? No! I’ll just stay hidden behind the safety of the written word. But I hope that some intrepid standup comic will take my words and actually deliver it live somewhere. You have both my blessing and my full support. Put it up on Youtube and all I ask is that you reference this post. (If you get a whole bunch of negative reactions, though, then please don’t reference this post! Basically, caveat emptor.)

Apologies in advance to anyone I offend. My intent here is to be humorous, and that will undoubtedly mean stereotypes and narrow-mindedness may reign.

Ready? Okay, go for it.

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courtesy iStock

So most mornings, I wake up with an erection.  I don’t know if I’m supposed to be proud of this, but of course, since I’m a man and it’s a boner we’re talking about, I am.  I’m past fifty now, okay?  This is good news.

Anyway.  The woody exists not because I’m excited in any meaningful way, but because I have to pee.  And I have to tell you, I look at my…member? appendage? thing?  I don’t have a name for it like some weirdos.  It’s my penis, like my left arm or my right leg, a functional part of my anatomy.  So I look at my penis, and this is when it occurs to me – aren’t all men just a little gay?

I feel a great fondness for my penis.  I mean, truthfully, I love my penis.  It’s always been there for me.  It’s like alcohol – times are happy, you drink, times are sad, you drink.  Times are good, you masturbate, times are sad…you get the picture.  I don’t mean “get the picture” like imagining me jerking off.  I don’t even want to imagine myself jerking off, okay?  If there’s ever been a boner-killer, that’s it.  I can guarantee you there has never been any man who’s ever looked good doing this [hand pumping motion] with his dick.

I mean seriously – like think of the most attractive man.  For me, that would be Brad Pitt.  Now imagine Brad, in his…easy chair?  Why not.  Brad in his easy chair…is that like a La-Z-Boy?  I just realized I have no idea what an easy chair looks like.  Let’s say La-Z-Boy, and like halfway reclined, because Brad’s kicking back after a hard day’s work acting or producing or whatever.  Wearing a ratty t-shirt and sweatpants, because he can’t look like a million bucks all the time.  And as he flips through the TV, he sees his ex Jennifer Aniston in some lotion ad.  Aniston, lotion, I mean come on, whaddya think’s gonna happen next?

So there you have it, impossibly handsome Brad Pitt, taking out his man sausage and...right?  Making the O face.  Even on him, it’s not pretty.  He’d look like every other guy that does this, which is, as we all know, a disgusting sight.

Where was I?  Right.  Aren’t we all a little gay.  I just spent two minutes describing Brad Pitt jerking off, so maybe I’m the one who’s gay.  But no, I’m not.  I’m confused about a lot of things in life, but my sexuality isn’t one of them.  Except for this little thing – me and my penis.  Like I mentioned before, I love my penis.  So here’s the thing – if you are a gay man, aren’t you also in love with penises?  Like the way I love vaginas.  Only one vagina, of course, my wife’s and no other woman’s.  Let’s make that super, super clear.

So if I love my penis, and I really do – I even love it when it’s not erect.  Seriously – my favorite penis might be the post-run winter penis.  Let me describe this penis to you.  Running in freezing temperatures turns it tiny.  When I return from my run and change into my regular clothes, I almost can’t find it.  It’s like, I don’t know, as tall as a lipstick?  A little wider but not by much.  It is legit cute!  I mean to me.  If my wife saw it, she’d probably laugh…or cry.

What is confusing here is that for a heterosexual man, this penis love is limited to only one dick, his own, and not all the dicks in the world, dicks in general.  This is not the way it works with anything else in life, right?  If I love pizza, and I do, then I love the pizza I’m eating.  And if you have a slice and I’m starving and you leave to answer the door, well, don’t be surprised if your slice is stuffed in my mouth.  I love your pizza just as much as I love my pizza – maybe even more.  But not when it comes to penises.  Which is why, like I said, I think we guys are all just…a little gay.

And gals, too, right?  I didn’t mean to be exclusionary or chauvinistic.  You are all a little lezzy, too.