Not a Standup: Calling As My Wife

god, give me courage

Note: This is a series - read the first and the second if you haven’t done so! I’ve promised myself I’d put these up during the first week of the month, but the French Open delayed me. I’m afraid Wimbledon may pose a similar risk next month…

courtesy Getty images, plus my beautiful X via Microsoft Paint

There are times when I want to be my wife on the phone.  Not because I’m some kind of a weirdo who enjoys impersonating his better half, but because it’s some stupid money-related thing.  My wife would be the first to admit that numbers aren’t her forte.  In fact, she believes she’s numerically dyslexic, which I thought she made up but it’s apparently an actual condition.  Anyway, yesterday I had to call our homeowners insurance company for a rejected claim (the policy is under her name), and as I started dialing, I had a revelation.

In the past, whenever I’ve posed as my wife on the phone, I’ve softened my voice and made it a bit higher.  But in our current culture of gender fluidity and they singular pronouns, who would dare to question the deeper tenor of my male voice as a lack of femininity?  I’d go full indignant mode.  Excuse me?  Do I not sound like a woman?  What does a woman have to sound like in your estimation?  What kind of sensitivity training did you receive as a representative of your corporation?  I’d like to speak to your manager immediately.  If only my wife’s name is Karen – that’d be perfect.

So I dialed, and this time I did not mask my voice at all.  Come on, I dare you, ask me who I am!  After I supplied my wife’s name and birthdate, the rep did exactly that. “And who am I speaking to?”

Here was my moment! And I replied…with my name.  And that I was the husband, calling on her behalf.  Then I walked all the way downstairs for my wife to answer with a simple, stupid Yes into the phone when asked by the rep if she was giving me permission.

Why do I suffer such ludicrous visions of fake empowerment?  This is not the only time, believe me.  I run through all sorts of fantasy sequences before any unpleasant confrontations.  I’m not sure if I have ever followed through with any of them, but I guess they make me feel prepared.  Prepared to do none of the things I’m actually preparing for.